Friday, July 18, 2008

Fan Outbreak

Winning the championship takes alot. You need the best crew, crew chief, driver and equipment. But everyone knows that. What they don't know is that there are other tools. One of my favorites is laying the heat on the opposition and just watching 'em fold up and self destruct.

I was thinking about this on Tuesday, and came up with a pretty good idea. Little did I know how friggin' brilliant it was going to turn out. I call Densmore and tell him to get me a group of actors to play fans...but not just any fans (I have legions of those) but CRAZY fans...HYSTERICAL fans...fans that need to be subdued before someone gets hurt. Then I have him get another group of actors from a local gym to play the part of my security detail.

They all showed up to Seattle this morning.

So Im doing an autograph signing with Capps, Scelzi, and Tony Pedregon when the first one shows up. She looks like a hippy from some kind of animal rights group or something. She starts screaming my name, jumping up and down and then bum rushes me. Knocks me over the back of my chair. Capps starts wigging, and tries to pull her off. She slaps him open handed on the jaw when my "security detail" pulls her off. She's all yellin' and screamin' how she loves me and I changed her life. Scelzi is floored, and just kind of chuckles and says something like "It takes all kinds...."

Then comes the Coup de Grace...here comes this guy who actually starts screaming, takes his shirt off showing off some fake John Force tatoo while chanting "I love you John!!!" and then (get this) starts friggin CRYING! The security guys sit him down and he's totally lost his mind and he's balling his pretty head off. Pedregon goes "I don't remember it being like this????" and I just kind of go "I get this everyday...had a lady tackle me in a Carls Jr last week..."

They're all gettin' shifty taking it all in. Makes em think Im Elvis or something. Now remember out there kids at home, this blog the next time I run Tony and he red lights. It happened right here.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Sleepless in Seattle


Showed up here in Seattle late on Wednesday and couldn't sleep last night worth a dang. I called Densmore from the Force Bus at about 4am, and he answers the phone half asleep "You're psychotic...what do you want?" I tell him to find me what hotel Capps is at and what rental car outfit he used. "Just how the hell am I going to do that at 4am?" No idea...you're so smart figure it out. I got no time for excuses or quiters. I didn't get 14 of these rings with excuses and I tell him so. He hangs up on me in a big huff.

Twenty minutes later my phone rings. Densmore has the hotel, rental car outfit and (get this) the credit card number that he paid for the car with. I throw on my Wranglers and head over to his Hotel. Cappy's rental car was in the second row in front of the hotel. I call Hertz and tell em I'm Ron Capps, and I lost the keys to my rental car. I give em my home address, and the credit card number I paid with and tell them it's an emergency because I left my Viagra in the car. The lady had a helluva time not busting out in laughter. They were there by 5:45 with spare keys and unlocked it for me (suckers). The guy asks to see my ID before I leave, and I make up this story about how its in the hotel room upstairs and I'm not waking my wife up. He looks at me all suspicious until I slide him a twenty which sends him down the road.

I take the car back to the Force Bus, open up one of my storage compartments and pull out all my sponsor stickers. In half an hour, the car looks like my Castrol Ford, and I have a "14 Time NHRA Funny Car Champion John Force" sticker across the rear window. Then I head over to Wallmart at 7am, and get some pink seat covers and Barbie floor matts. I put a plaid dash matt on it, a Yosemite Sam antennae ball and hang a "Mary Kate and Ashley" air freshner from the rear view mirror.

Then I go back and drop it back where I got it...with an Andy Gibb "Shadow Dancing" cd in the CD player.

All in a morning's work. On to the race track.

Monday, July 14, 2008

I Hit Wilkerson with a Toilet Seat


So it comes together like this...Ashley and Hood collect these stupid duckies everywhere they go on the tour. It makes me want to go home and rethink my life. The latest gag was her buying him a ridiculous duckie toilet seat. She left it out on the table in my bus, so everytime I went in for some piece, quiet and beer there it was...staring at me.

So when Wilkerson beat up on Hight, I went back in the bus and sulked for a while. Then when they called Funny Car to the lanes for the Final, I grabbed the damn duckie seat, a six pack of Coors and hopped on my scooter headed for the finish line. I was chatting with a few guys at the finish line that work for Safety Safari. They were all asking me about the seat and I told em it was a gag gift for Wilkerson if he wins...which actually wasn't too far from the truth. Before I knew it, I was sitting on my scooter with a pile of empty beer cans all around me feeling much better about life. When Wilkerson was first across the stripe, I went and stumbled/hid behind a tree thinking I was just going to jump out and scare him. But after his interview when he walked by I jumped out and clobbard him with the duckie. Broke the thing right in half, and Wilkerson was off his feet like he just got hit with a tractor. Then in a panic, I got back on my scooter to make with the getaway. I was seeing four of everything after downing about 9 beers, and piled it right into a Churro cart.

I feel bad for Wilk, because he told all the NHRA guys all he remembers is getting jumped by a giant duck in a Castrol outfit.

NOTE TO NHRA: Making the finish line safer starts with not allowing a menace to society like me drink beer at the finish line. I'm Just sayin'.

I Fired Neff


So I fired Neff on Sunday. It lasted about half an hour. I qualified my heap number five at Denver, a track with air so thin the damn car is anorexic. It runs like a Volkswagen with a loose plug wire. And who do I draw first round from the twelve spot? My teammate. Now Coil and I went over this with Neff during the winter. It was real simple. It went like this:

Champ: So I want you to be hungry.
Neff: Im starving.
Champ: I want you to crush them.
Neff: We're on the same page.
Champ: "Iron" Mike Neff
Neff: I'm painting that on the fire hatch.
Champ: Unless you're running me.
Neff: ........
Champ: Then you become "Iron" Mike Nerf.
Neff: Nerf?
Champ: There is one Champ in this pit, and it ain't the new guy.
Neff: ........

So he beats me, which really kills me because I went by him like a fat kid chasing a runaway Twinkie and apparently ran out of room...because we only run to 1000 foot. If I had that last 320 feet, I would have put three counties on him. I needed that win, but mostly I knew the winner of our race faced Wilkerson next round...a man dearly in need of a butt kickin'. So atleast I got a Force car running him next round right? Yeah, Neff gets trailered after Wilkerson beats my daughter. Then Hight gets trailered. Wilkerson went tearing through my pit like it was tissue paper.

So action speaks louder then words. I start by firing Neff, and his whole team. Then I sit down with a beer in each hand and realize that I'm an idiot and the kids doing his job. I had to give his team a pay raise to get em back. It's coming out of my personal beer fund, which about put me back in the hospitol.

Im gonna go lay down.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Filling out some Job Apps


So I got hold of Capps personal info and I been filling out applications all over town. At first it was for places like Round Table Pizza and this fork lift company. But then I was heading home on 5 North, and see a "Male Strip Club" outfit. I parked, and actually sat in the car for like ten minutes stressed out about what the people in this joint were gonna be about. But finally I convinced myself that this was for Ol' Capps and I needed to take one for the team.

I head inside and speak to the manager "Manny." I tell him my name is "John" and Im the agent for Ron. I had a headshot of him with me, and the guy is immediately interested. I tell him to call Ron's sister "Shelly Capps" and tell him about Ron coming in there and filling out the application. I tell him Ron won't do anything without his sister's final approval. Little does Manny know that Shelly is Ron's wife.

Anyone out there like a play by play of how that phone call is gonna go?

Im a genius in Spirit


So Coil came back from the nerd compound and heads into my office. He's excited about something he learned yesterday, so I listen to him babble for a few minutes about final drive ratios, mag this and clutch that. And then I cut him off and say "So let me guess...you're thinking we can run like 1.63 to the thousand foot mark." He kind of sits there looking me over...like I'm some kind of freak. Then he says "Force, we can make it to about 300 feet that quick. We still have the rest of the track. Im thinking 3.90's." I start laughing like a maniac, and then tell him that they cut off a fourth of the track. Then I tell him to go back to second grade, and pay attention this go around.

I'm thinking all this time Coil is spending with the Italian isn't such a good idea. When he was in my office, his pants were ironed and his hair was combed. And then this mish mash of 3.90's crap. I may need to call Celebrity Rehab.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

1000 Footers


So I haven't had much time to get on this thing since NHRA broke the 1000 foot news. I've had a lot of people come up to me and ask what I think. Truth is, I don't really think much about rule changes. I just find ways to win under the new guide lines. And that's just what we been doing over the last week.

I sent Coil, Bernie, Prock and Medlen over to my nerd compound. I hired all these geeks and engineers and put them in a room with all this computer stuff to figure it out. Now I ain't one of these pencil pushers, but in my office I started doing some math:

1. We can do 1320 feet in 4.70 seconds. (I can do it quicker, but work with me here)
2. 1320 feet minus 320 feet is 1000 feet. That's almost one fourth of the track shortened.
3. My Castrol hotrod is green. (green is faster. It means "go")
4. My last name is "Force." Force is what it takes to get these things moving. Coincidence?
5. I have like 3000 race wins.

Now in my estimates, I should be able to do 1000 feet in...uhh...1.63 seconds give or take. Maybe less in Denver.

We'll see how close the nerds get to my number.